Dream, chile, til yo bellyache sing

Mo’nin.

C’mon. Sun’ll be up before you know it. Time to git up, le’s go.

Careful when ya step to the flo’ not to catch a nail or splin’er. It’s show to slow yo chase a bit. But we ain’t got no time for nothing short of yo sprint. Yo folk, yeah those gon on too, lawd, ‘specially the worl’, chile.. Yo BES. Need ta give yo absolute bes.

We need what you gots ta give. It’s plen’y ‘nough hurt out here for us all. ‘S why WE waitin on YOU. So watch yo step.  But git on up, now. Go on. Git at it.

Fo you step to that door be sure ya git yaself some lunch ta take, ya hear? It’s a long road… And it’s not much there ta git, chile. Stead of me apologizin (an I could), jes know this world ain’t kine. You won’t git yo belly full always, nor always git ‘zactly what ya lookin fo. But listen here real good to what I’m gon tell ya. Ignore that rumblin in yo belly. And the painin in yo gut.

Press on.

Push thru.

Eye yo prize.

Boulder til ya hurt comes numb.

But don’t let nut’n come in the way ‘tween you an yo goal.

It may take yo whole entire bref ta git there. That’s okay, chile.

Jus do this one thing… while ya on the way, even if it’s everyday, dream, chile, til yo bellyache sing.

Hope, Go Flow Forever… BE

I saw my son today. He showed up. Was all I could even pray! Wasn’t sure that he would come. At times he just isn’t home. But today he opened that door right away…

I spread love throughout his space today. I showed up, cleaned up, put his things in place. Didn’t hide behind emotions. Spent no time entertaining ‘scuses. Just today took a step, kept pushing, made my way…

I heard whispers of his hope –out loud– today. She revealed LOVE really does at times seem to break. Tho’ sometimes things look a mess. It may take a moment. When it ALL comes to rest, it’ll end up, together ~ for good~ somehow, some way…

I embraced my son’s promise today. When it showed up, had to quickly move out the way. Things ain’t, cause I can’t see it. Push thru, son, move it into YOUR BEING. Don’t mind folks, even me, their doubt nor their limited faith…

Today the walls are coming down, all around. And what a sound. I took one step, started the motion. Pulled back the guard that locked his heart. Reached inside, felt its vibration. Shared the HOPE with all the nation. With that power, yeah, I am now unafraid…

Go now HOPE. You go, flow forever. BE… Let your unhinged power break our loved ones free. You’re the vise that breaks the chains. Never ever to shackle again. Go! Let it end for good, somehow, some way… My son waits for the power of your touch TODAY.

I DO… Now What About YOU

Beautiful moon, I’m looking at you

And I feel the comfort of your hue

While right now you’re brilliantly blue

You hold fire blazing, I see the clues

And it’s amazing…

 

Midnight moon, I see you high

Holding together the blackened sky

Diamonds fall, such luminous light

Oozing gloriously all throughout the night

And ~oh my~ what an incredible sight…

 

Fiery moon, I am so moved

Holding my breath just looking at you

Flickers of gold, orange and red too

Dynamically present exuding your truth

Yeah …I know what I must do…

 

Harness the Spirit creation reveals

Release the Power IT alone yields

Be guided in LOVE, Honesty & Truth

Sow, water, weed and carefully prune

Pursue with passion what’s placed in the heart

Resist all motives aligned in dark…

 

With this charge my soul embarks

From this charge I will not depart

Just as the moon is ever true

I do

(Now what about YOU?)

My Dear Son

My dear son,

Once again at five am this morning I was awakened as if you were nudging me from the corner of my bed, as you did so often growing up. We would leave the bedroom door open, so I could hear you moving about thru the night. Even at eighteen months old, you were amazingly adroit in maneuvering with your hands. You would scale the height of the baby bed, climb over the railing and shimmy down to the floor. After that gymnastic stunt, you would then open the door of your bedroom – no small feat considering you had to twist your wrist and pull the door at the same time, something the developmental books stated wouldn’t happen for a while… No safety door lock kept you out!

Soon after, well before you were two years old, you scooted down the stairs to the kitchen, where I would find you in the pantry… on a stool you had pushed over. Thank God I slept light. I would’ve never been able to witness your amazing, unbelievable acts firsthand… Like when you and your twin brother scooted downstairs, pushed a chair to the pantry after opening the door (which, yes, had a child-proof lock on it)… By the time I overpowered that doggone Sleep Fairy and got downstairs, you both were covered in peanut butter! Your hair, your cute little pajamas, your adorable little faces… What smiles! It took FOREVER to clean you guys up, between my laughter and your giggles. Yeah… adorable.

I miss you, son.

While I was sleeping last night, I dreamed of the time you and I overcame your fear of sliding down the waterslide at Cedine Bible Camp. Do you remember that? What am I saying, how could you forget?! Lol! I know! We have so MANY stories of overcoming together… AND THEY’RE ALL TRUE! That’s what’s so awesome about us, son! They’re ALL true… You and me in the swimming pool when your father (after watching too many tv shows, LORD!) threw you into the five foot water, believing you to naturally hold your breath and swim. You, my naturally fearful child! You shrieked so loud but I got you, son, and didn’t let go. Well, I wouldn’t have even if you didn’t have that vice-like death grip on my neck… It was you and me when you were on the swim team, years later, after finally overcoming your fear of the water. I knew you saw me racing alongside and even heard me above the coach, encouraging you on. You ran right to me when you finished! It was SO awesome! You didn’t come in first, second or third… but to ME, you were totally in first place, I was so freaking proud! It was also you and me when you had to present your very first composition, that amazing story you wrote all by yourself, in front of your fifth grade class… You did so well! No one knew of your paralyzing fear speaking in front of other people, nor the many hours of speech therapy you had to endure. Your teacher’s response spurned your love of literature and your desire to become a writer. I couldn’t have been more proud!

Not only was I there to support your growth and amazing accomplishments in soccer, baseball, football, track and academics, for many years, I was your Room Mom, the mom who came to read to your class and I also chaperoned quite a few of your school field trips. Remember?

Yes… all three of my children are quite different, aren’t they? God develops us all uniquely, in His way, with our own incredible gifts and talents. We’re ALL very special, son. Yes, I know you have needed me a bit more than the others did. And that’s okay! I do hope you would agree that I’ve done my very best to be there for you when you’ve needed me most…

Even now. ESPECIALLY now, my dear son. Admittedly, I’m at a gross disadvantage with what we are now facing. Please forgive me. Each year of your life, starting in the womb, I read many books and studied what you were going thru, physically and developmentally. My friends called me Mother Earth because I knew so much about my children’s formation. Had I known a sign to watch for, that this could occur, or that it was possible to ward this off, I would’ve done things much differently. Paranoia schizophrenia. Wow. After I carefully raised you, equipped you, prepared you for the world and sent you off to college. My God… I’m absolutely dying inside.

After blindly following the mental health “experts” who led us to our greatest fail in treating your condition, I’m back researching. With a vengeance! What I’m learning is at complete odds with what I’ve been told over the now fifteen-month hellish journey in the mental “health” system. Paranoia Schizophrenia is becoming frighteningly common among young adults in our society. New cases are at dramatically increasing levels all around the world. Most parents are NOT informed or even alerted at the most crucial time in their young adult’s life, when there are definite signs we should all be informed about. The mental “health” industry regards schizophrenia as a debilitating illness, with no possibility of recovery. The industry as a whole is resolute in prescribing medicine to control the symptoms of the disease, adamantly stating there is no alternative. They unleash fear, as we’ve experienced firsthand, by purporting the brains of the afflicted will become more and more damaged over time, when in fact, many psychiatrists (who actually recovered from the illness prior to going on to obtain their medical degrees) publish documents proving recovery is achievable WITHOUT medicinal use. These professionals, like Dr. Daniel Fisher and many others with ‘lived experiences,’ prove that diagnosing medicine, in the way the industry currently does, HURTS the reality of recovery! They say so-called rebels who defy anti-psychotropics (medications used to treat psychotic symptoms) actually do better in recovering! Studies show Open Dialogue and Peer Support approaches, which both use little to no medication are the most successful in the world! Heck, even what we call developing countries, too poor to afford medications or treatments, have a dramatically higher rate of recovery than we do… It has been determined that schizophrenia ISN’T a disease with a life sentence, at all… It’s merely a condition, sometimes borne out of stress, trauma, despair and/or limited defense mechanisms. Psychiatrists developed therapies and non-medicinal treatments more than seventy years ago that have been proven to aid in FULL recovery, my son. Many people since then have achieved complete recovery…

And yet, here you are suffering alone, right now as I write. And what a horrible journey you’ve had thus far… Within your first six months, many “experts” coaxed me into convincing you to commit yourself into psyche wards all around Atlanta (to the tune of five times!), which I now have learned are the absolute WORST place you could have experienced at nineteen years old… Skyland Trail, supposedly the best voluntary treatment facility in Georgia, has determined you unfit to continue treatment because you expressed your god-given desire to no longer be treated as a drug rat. You expressed your choice, after seven months in their residential treatment facility, to NOT continue to have a slew of different psychotic drugs (in their attempt to find “the right one for your symptoms”). After dealing with one side effect after another, while still experiencing the symptoms of this condition -and- feeling zombie-like and sluggish, you said you’d had enough! Despite their being one of the “bests” in handling paranoia schizophrenia sufferers, despite being accustomed to the affected’s common aversion against being drugged, despite the progress they reported you previously made, they issued an ultimatum and effectively discharged you… Discharged you to face this supposed life sentence ALONE. Because you quite sanely detailed why you no longer wanted to be experimented upon, why you no longer believed in the process, why you elected to choose an alternate route to recovery… and true healing.

Clearly, any human being should be able to make such a well-educated, rational decision. Whereas before I was horrified and fearful of your choice to stop medication, after my research, I’ve since discovered I agree with you! Once again, I’m quite proud! Trouble is… after I pursued conventional recommended treatment for you over these long fifteen months… you no longer trust me. I know I have a long road ahead of me to regain your trust so I can help effect your recovery. Many of those who’ve fully recovered (those whom we say have ‘lived experiences’) affirm unconditional love, consistent rituals like family dinners, talking therapies, daily connection and strong support systems are what brought them thru…

Son, you’re my hero! And I could NEVER be ashamed of you, what you are experiencing nor what you have endured! You WILL come thru this, just as you eventually slid down that waterslide at Cedine! I’m here for you. Ready to give you the loving, supportive environment you need. While I know you’re not quite ready to trust me again -yet… I’m ready to earn your trust, one step at a time. I believe in you, as I always have. Somehow, we’ll figure all this out… Somehow. Together. You and me.

Much love, forever ever…

Your Mom

—-

A partial list of available resources:

1. http://portlandpsychotherapyclinic.com/2011/09/recovery-schizophrenia-yes-it’s-possible/

2. http://brainblogger.com/2012/05/29/full-recovery-from-schizophrenia/

3. https://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/08/09/health/psychiatrist-holistic-mental-health.html

4. http://m.ehealthforum.com/health/ways-to-cope-with-schizophrenia-without-medication-t435224.html

5. http://www.successfulschizophrenia.org/stories/cheah01.html

6. https://www.madinamerica.com/2012/03/empowerment-is-vital-to-dialogical-recovery/

7. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.newscientist.com/article/2074229-rethinking-schizophrenia-taming-demons-without-drugs/amp/#xxri=1

8. https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/mental-health/mental-illness-2/

Laughter Will Double My Cries

Longing to hear the voice of my child

His happy care-free banter, always gurgled and smiled

How could I know your laughter could end

And hide like a naked Eve knowledgeable of her sin

I look at this person and wonder where is my son

How do I reach him, can he even feel me

In what possible way could this all be undone

My God, how can this be

Can’t stand to watch this, I need him released…

HOW ON EARTH DO I FREE MY SON?

 

Imprisoned ~ Alone

I must find the key!

It’s a race to the finish and I gotta win this

The LOVE we have has GOT to spring him free

Every day is a struggle

What will the sun bring

Fierce anger, resentment

Harsh language fired in vengeance

No answer to my calls

Or pleasantries… no recall

What in hell is this before me

How do I fight, one-up the score, please

It’s my son, my precious child, after all

 

I’m Mommy, for GOD’s sake…

I can NOT leave, just let him waste away

He’s imprisoned ~ ALL alone

And I must find the key!

We’re in a race to the finish

And we gotta win this

Until he’s released, we’ve not yet broken free

Of all our past misery

Somewhere, somehow

It just has to be!

We must fiercely believe in the REALITY

My baby boy will come home soon

I’m racing to the finish

Out of breath, but surely we’ll win this

The LOVE inside won’t EVER be denied

I’ll keep on searching

Will keep hoping

And knowing

My child’s not lost forever

He’ll soon return

And laughter will double my cries

Yeah … for sure, laughter will double my cries

Hold On

You may believe those hues of blue may be an always forever kind of thing for you.

You may not hear me say, well before today I too came thru haze. Somehow you too will make a way.

These words, while true, may fall away and not resonate, all because right now, they don’t ring true, for you…

I know. Believe me I do. But you GOT to focus on the rainbow. It’s truth…

Look close. Believe me, there’s hope. Even if you don’t at first see, this doesn’t mean it won’t ever be. Look close…

What’s true for me
Will soon be
Your reality…
Just hold on –
To meIMG_20170721_161554_246

#IGotYou

Today I heard your tears… You know, the ones you won’t let fall. You don’t understand why life has changed, why the sun no longer rises, why every day is a rainy day …and a joyous tomorrow has left your palm.

You look out from deep down up under and wonder why no one, not one single solitary soul, hears your tears. The ones you won’t let fall. The ones that echo deep within your soul. Deep.Down.Underneath it all…

Mine fall like rain, they do. The rain that comes and stays all day. With winds, and howling, and ominous grays… The rain that makes misery sound loud, like thunderstorms racing ‘cross the clouds. The rain that drowns out cries, makes dogs holler… And us ask why?

Today I heard your tears. They were much MUCH louder than mine. Together we sang a song from The Deep… from somewhere down DEEP up under …long before time. Together we sang for old and new… Our souls joined. And painted our sky, I thought colorful, beautiful, hopeful hues of blue.

Yet mine roll on and on and on and on. They’re rolling still… Though our song goes on, for however long, and my ears continue to hear, your tears, your tears, I fear… ~still~ your tears cling dear…

The day I heard your tears… And, yes, I hear them still… I, for one, was MOVED by them. Am BEHOOVED by them. Seek to be PROVED by them. Will stand TRUE to them. Will no longer CHOOSE to be SOOTHED by them…

No longer will I pass you by. MY SOUL’S NOW AWAKINGLY LIVE! Not ever to ever deny… your tears… your tears… Your Tears…

Though your tears do not fall… They do not fall! Why do they not fall? … They echo resoundingly within us all. And I choose to see them, to touch them, relieve them… find the means for tears to dry… Though they come from deep within, I know the soul… the soul must mend. And those tears…

Well… they’re not just YOURS, they’re mine.

#IGotYou